I'm starting to realize that two years after an accident like this, and a injury like mine, I'm still sore and broken. Maybe not that much on the outside, but inside my body is aching. My body is not co-operating with the mind, that would like to do everything. And by everything, I really mean that. There is a world out there to experience, but I'm missing out on most of it. Two years has gone, doing mostly nothing but trying to recover.
I miss everything I had, the best job in the world, that was taken away from me, way too soon. Life is nothing compared to what it was, and I just have to live with that. I can say that I had it all, and I lost it all. Building up something else instead is the real battle. But after learning to breath and speak again, I might be strong enough to overcome my battles.
2016 brought me strenght and balance, but also pain and insomnia. A couple of years ago I would never have guessed, insomnia could ever bother me, but wrong I was. It's a real struggle, 'cause how do you manage to do anything, if you can't even succeed in sleeping? What a mess of a life. But when giving up is not an option, you just keep battling forward, and hoping that someday life would make some sense (if it ever will...)
I must confess; I'm really getting sick and tired of some people saying "things could be worse". Like hell yes, thanks for telling, because I had no idea... Things could ALWAYS be worse, but that ain't helping me getting better. All my focus should be on getting in better shape, and not on that obvious fact, that it could always be worse.
It's not like I'm taking this "second chance" for granted. Every new day is a struggle, and I can never know how my next day will be, pain or gain. There has been so many bad days, that those days I feel better, I've learned to be really grateful for. But it's always a good day when you feel alive and energized.
Last year I took too much pressure on getting back in shape. The amount of guilt I felt, everytime I couldn't make it to a training-session, was the worst. I realized I had never fought for something this much and that feeling of guilt and pressure was killing me inside. I let myself down, when I couldn't work out as much as I wanted, and the insomnia got worse... On some point I realized, it's okay to fail, it's not a crime. I was too hard on myself, and this year I'm not gonna do the same mistake. I'm gonna allow myself to be weak when I need to, and battle forward twice as much when I'm ready to do that. I have no need to please anyone, only be good to myself. Because where's the rush? Who wouldn't wanna have it all here, and right now, but this will take time. And as usually, I'm learning it the hardest way.
I've always been a hard worker, or at least having many tasks going on, to keep me busy, I hated keeping still. I might have been sick only once or twice a year. I worked outside everyday, with horses and people, and I'm always gonna be grateful for that time, it was the best. With that, life was meaningful, now it's only living, without a real purpose. Not to sound too tragic, my only purpose is to fix myself and love my family. But is that enough? Too start over is hard, but I have two choices; try my best or to quit. But when quitting out on life's not an option, you just keep fighting. Fighting for a better day.
I have many good memories... I love them, and they will always be there reminding me of everything great I've been involved in, until I'll make some new great things to remember when I'm older.
I miss everything I had, the best job in the world, that was taken away from me, way too soon. Life is nothing compared to what it was, and I just have to live with that. I can say that I had it all, and I lost it all. Building up something else instead is the real battle. But after learning to breath and speak again, I might be strong enough to overcome my battles.
2016 brought me strenght and balance, but also pain and insomnia. A couple of years ago I would never have guessed, insomnia could ever bother me, but wrong I was. It's a real struggle, 'cause how do you manage to do anything, if you can't even succeed in sleeping? What a mess of a life. But when giving up is not an option, you just keep battling forward, and hoping that someday life would make some sense (if it ever will...)
I must confess; I'm really getting sick and tired of some people saying "things could be worse". Like hell yes, thanks for telling, because I had no idea... Things could ALWAYS be worse, but that ain't helping me getting better. All my focus should be on getting in better shape, and not on that obvious fact, that it could always be worse.
It's not like I'm taking this "second chance" for granted. Every new day is a struggle, and I can never know how my next day will be, pain or gain. There has been so many bad days, that those days I feel better, I've learned to be really grateful for. But it's always a good day when you feel alive and energized.
Last year I took too much pressure on getting back in shape. The amount of guilt I felt, everytime I couldn't make it to a training-session, was the worst. I realized I had never fought for something this much and that feeling of guilt and pressure was killing me inside. I let myself down, when I couldn't work out as much as I wanted, and the insomnia got worse... On some point I realized, it's okay to fail, it's not a crime. I was too hard on myself, and this year I'm not gonna do the same mistake. I'm gonna allow myself to be weak when I need to, and battle forward twice as much when I'm ready to do that. I have no need to please anyone, only be good to myself. Because where's the rush? Who wouldn't wanna have it all here, and right now, but this will take time. And as usually, I'm learning it the hardest way.
I've always been a hard worker, or at least having many tasks going on, to keep me busy, I hated keeping still. I might have been sick only once or twice a year. I worked outside everyday, with horses and people, and I'm always gonna be grateful for that time, it was the best. With that, life was meaningful, now it's only living, without a real purpose. Not to sound too tragic, my only purpose is to fix myself and love my family. But is that enough? Too start over is hard, but I have two choices; try my best or to quit. But when quitting out on life's not an option, you just keep fighting. Fighting for a better day.
I have many good memories... I love them, and they will always be there reminding me of everything great I've been involved in, until I'll make some new great things to remember when I'm older.
Kommentit
Lähetä kommentti